Today is Valentine’s Day!

Do you know what that means?  

It means that today is your chance to prove to the woman you love how much she means to you and how sorry you are to to prove to her that she can trust you regardless of how much you’ve hurt her in the past.  Valentine’s Day is your last chance and it had better be perfect.

Is it going to be enough?  It isn’t.

A diamond tennis bracelet won’t make her move forward and act like nothing happened.  It did happen.  It will have always happened.  You don’t get to rewind.  You don’t get to erase.  You did what you did and she knows.

Is the finest dinner at the fanciest restaurant going to mean much after the maitre ‘d calls her by your whore’s name?  Is the foie gras as rich as those lies you’ve forced down her throat?  Buttery enough to make her forget how bitter shame tastes?  It isn’t.

Is the most expensive wine enough to make up for wasting the time that’s been your life together?  Is that expensive Pinot Noir going to give her back the youth you stole?  It won’t.

Her humiliation will always be there, like the scar from a skinned knee or the carpet wine stain that won’t come up.  Not even with OxiClean.

All the gourmet artisan chocolates in the world won’t fill the whole you’ve left in her heart.  No amount of Belgian genache will smooth away all those lines carved in her forehead waiting up for you while you were out all night snorting OxyContin and depositing squirting your disrespect inside the stink trough of one of many anonymous day time Cracker Barrel waitresses.  

Or perhaps those chocolates were just meant to fatten her up so you don’t feel guilty admitting she hasn’t made your greasy little pig prick hard since before “Ally McBeal” went off the air.

This Valentine’s Day just sign the divorce papers and move out already.  If you ever loved her you would let her move on.

This year, give the most unforgettable woman in your life the most unforgettable Valentine’s Day gift she’ll ever receive and the one thing she wants most of all.

And put a bullet right in your fucking mouth.

This rose is for you.

- Dan Dringle

Taco Bell unleashes the new Triple Steak Stack, a soft warm flatbread with their patented Three-Cheese Blend over a Triple Portion of 100% USDA Select Marinaded Grilled Steak and…

…Is this some kind of joke?  

Is it?  

Is this some kind of joke, Theresa?  

Was covering my passport in cocaine residue just before I left for my business trip in Mexico supposed to be funny?  Was it?  I bet you’re laughing so hard you’re soaking your soggy swamp bog cunt in gin piss right now.  

I’m glad you think it’s funny.  Border patrol sure thought it was funny.  I’m being held at a patrol station right across the border.  I can’t see because there are no windows, but I know Mexico is right outside my window because the air smells like black bean ass beefs and laziness.   

You should see the bathroom here. Fucking disgusting.  Let me ask you a question, which of the following has a higher probability of actually happening: me building my own time machine to go back and fuck Madeline Stowe in the asshole on the set of Twelve Monkeys, or a single one of these Mexican inbred pickled pepper dick retards using a toilet without pissing on the seat?  

I’ve been in and out of consciousness for the better part of the last twelve hours.  Have you ever been kicked so hard in the mouth by a Tejano border patrol officer that you swallowed a fused three-unit porcelain metal dental bridge.  It felt like I was shitting out a crumbled Mountain Dew can.  

If Texas is the asshole of the United States, Mexico is the anal fissure of America itself.  A violent tear in Lady Liberty’s already battered and bruised brown eye.  

I can hear them chattering outside.  They’re talking about having me prosecuted in Mexico, Theresa.  IN MEXICO!  They are going to lock me away in some dark Mexican dungeon and force me to eat their semen for breakfast and other meals!

THAT IS UNLESS SOMEONE CAN GET THEIR FAT ASS OVER HERE TO SHOW THEM FURTHER LEGAL DOCUMENTATION THAT I AM WHO I SAY I AM SO YOU HAD BETTER GET THAT SWEAT PANT COVERED GARBAGE BAG OF BABY FOOD YOU CALL AN ASS ON THE FIRST PLANE TO THIS BACKWARDS TEXAS BORDERTOWN TO GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO SPEND ONE MINUTE MORE THAN I HAVE TO SMELLING THE CURDLED SOUR CREAM BREATHE OF THESE PEOPLE I WILL FINALLY FUCKING KILL YOU, THERESA!  

DO YOU HEAR ME!?!

I will kill you. 

I will kill you.

I will kill you.

- Don Diego de la Dringle

Taco Bell da rienda suelta a la nueva pila triple filete, un pan plano suave y cálida con su sistema patentado de tres quesos de mezcla sobre una porción triple de USDA 100% Marinado Seleccione Steak a la parrilla y …

… ¿Es esto una broma?

¿Lo es?

¿Es esto una especie de broma, Teresa?

Cubría mi pasaporte en residuos de cocaína justo antes de irme a mi viaje de negocios en México supone que es gracioso? ¿Verdad? Apuesto a que estás riendo tan fuerte que está absorbiendo su coño empapado en ginebra pantano pantano de orines en estos momentos.

Me alegro de que piensan que es divertido. La patrulla fronteriza que pensó que era divertido. Estoy detenido en una estación de patrulla al otro lado de la frontera. No puedo ver porque no hay ventanas, pero sé que México está justo frente a mi ventana porque el aire huele a culo negro refuerza frijol y la pereza.

Usted debe ver el cuarto de baño aquí. Puto asco. Déjame hacerte una pregunta, ¿cuál de los siguientes tiene una mayor probabilidad de que sucede realmente: me la construcción de mi propia máquina del tiempo para volver y coger Madeline Stowe en el culo en el conjunto de los Doce Monos, o uno solo de estos mexicanos puras vinagre pimienta retrasa la polla con un baño sin orinar en el asiento?

He estado dentro y fuera de la conciencia durante la mayor parte de las últimas doce horas. ¿Alguna vez ha sido expulsado con tanta fuerza en la boca por un oficial de patrulla de frontera tejano que se tragó una fusión de tres unidades puente de metal porcelana dental. Se sentía como si estuviera cagando un rocío de la montaña se derrumbó puede.

Si Texas es el culo de los Estados Unidos, México es la fisura anal de la propia América. Un desgarro violento en Estatua de la Libertad ya maltratadas y golpeadas ojos marrones.

Puedo oír a charlar fuera. Están hablando de haberme juzgado en México, Teresa. EN MEXICO! Ellos me van a encerrar en una mazmorra oscura mexicana y me obligan a comer su semen para el desayuno y otras comidas!

A no ser que alguien puede conseguir el culo de grasa en aquí para mostrar más documentación legal que yo soy el que digo que soy así que mejor GET QUE CUBRE SWEAT PANT bolsa de basura de comida para bebés se llama a un asno en el primer avión A ESTA AL REVES TEXAS BORDERTOWN para sacarme la mierda de aquí porque si tengo que pasar UN MINUTO MÁS QUE TENGO QUE HUELE LA CREMA AGRIA CUAJADAS aliento de esta gente que FINALMENTE FOLLANDO KILL YOU, Teresa!

¿Me oyes?!

Te voy a matar.

Te voy a matar.

Te voy a matar.

- Don Diego de la Dringle

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Domino’s Pizza® unveils it’s mouthwatering new Artisan Pizzas and tastebuds all over America could not be happier.  New robust sauces, earthy fresh vegetables and premium meats top a hand stretched artisan-style crust and are cooked to perfection and delivered right to your door even if your door isn’t your door anymore.  

Even if your door is now the door is now your estranged wife’s door in the house you paid for that she now shares with her new boyfriend, Trevis.  (It’s like “Travis” but with an “e.”)

You want to hate him.  But you don’t.  

Sure, you could hate him for his stupid fucking name.  The name Travis is already gayer than ironing your blue jeans.

Sure, you could hate him for fucking your wife but you haven’t been able to do that for years.  Not in the way she wanted.  Not in the ways that she deserved.  

Sure, you could hate him because he’s black, and we all know how you feel about that, but then you found out that he’s from England and you have to give him a break. You’d take three British blacks for every one of our American blacks.

Sure, you could hate him for all the time he spends with your son, David, but you don’t.  Trevis is good to him.  He listens to him and teaches him things and makes him feel strong and confident.  Makes him feel like the world isn’t such a scary place.

In the last six months Trevis has already raised David into being a better man that you are.

You don’t hate Trevis because you know that even if he hadn’t replaced you in your home you would have left by now anyway.

You never finish what you start.  You can’t even finish this Artisan Pizza you ordered from Dominos.

It’s crust is 13 X 9 inches.  Just like Trevis’ fat dick.

Go fuck yourself.

-Dan Dringle.

Apple® releases the greatest iPhone® yet, with the new iPhone 4S, featuring Apple’s new Dual-Core A5 chip, iOS 5 and the revolutionary Siri™ Voice Recognition Interface.

I miss you, Theresa.

Losing you is the worst thing that has ever happened to me and I saw a man die once.  I could say that I’d rather be dead than live without you, but I already am.  Dead in every way that matters.  I may be alive but I’m certainly not living.  Not anymore.  Not without you.  

You’re all I think about, even in my dreams but they’re not just dreams, they’re memories.

 Some nights I lay down in my hotel room and suddenly it’s fifteen years ago and you’re picking me up from the airport after my first long business trip.  We are so excited to see each other.  We both have tears in our eyes and we make love right there in the airport parking garage in the backseat of our 1987 Plymouth Colt Vista.

Some nights I lay down and I’m in the kitchen of our first apartment on Spruce St.  It’s 7:30am and I’m tiptoeing through our kitchen.  I want to surprise you with breakfast in bed.  I keep burning the pancakes until you wake to the sound of the smoke alarm.  I’m so frustrated I punch a dent into the freezer door.  You laugh as your kiss my red knuckles and tell me to turn off the stove.  You touch my face.  You sit at our thrift store kitchen table and you eat every single one of those burnt pancakes and with every bite you tell me you love me.  You tell me I’m all you ever wanted.  You tell me that I’m your whole heart and that you’ll never hurt me and that you’ll never go away.  You say all these things, and I believe every one of them.

Then I wake up it’s gone.  That moment is gone the dream is gone my youth is gone and you are gone, Theresa.  I’m alone is some bed bug shit shack motel with nothing keeping me company but a liver that hurts to the touch and ever painful palpation reminding me of how much I have lost.  Of how I’ve lost you.

It’s too painful to dream so I try to outrun it.  If I don’t sleep I can’t dream.  I don’t sleep but’s not the cocaine that keeps me awake at night.  It’s the dread. 

The iPhone 4S is available at authorized Apple retailers and will be gone someday just like the only women you’ve ever loved.

I miss you, Theresa.

I miss you.

-Dan Dringle

New DANDRINGLE.COM stickers now available.  

Slap ‘em all over your town and help make Dan harder to get rid of than the bed bugs you picked up at that hotel near the airport in Memphis. 

Email your address to DanDringle@gmail.com for your free “Dick Turkey” stickers, but just remember: Now Dan knows where you live.

FUNNY OR DIE CONTEST

Dan Dringle is now on FunnyOrDie.com.  

Be one of the first to “LIKE” and comment on Dan’s page and win a $10 Gift Certificate to TGIFriday’s so you can go take your girl out to a nice restaurant.  

Treat her right.  Buy her a Friday’s Pink Punk Cosmo and make her feel special.  Even though she’s not.

Make her feel loved even though she’s not.

My son, David, just drew me a picture of his favorite animal, the Dick Turkey!  What a talented little artist!

Daddy loves you, David.

Frequent fliers need all the carry on space they can get, so why not leave the laptop at home and make the MOTOROLA XOOM Android Tablet your new travel companion?

Cutting edge next-generation technology with the latest in Google Mobile innovations provides with you with everything you would need from a home computer but with the 1.6 pound lightweight portability of a tablet.  It’s awesome in the truest sense of the word.

It has a front-facing 2-megapixel camera so you can video chat with your son David and explain to him why he has to eat dinner every night of the week at the condo of Trevis, the SPIN instructor at mommy and daddy’s gym.

His name is Trevis.  That’s right.  Trevis.  With an “e.”

I saw his dick once.  In the gym locker room.  It was awesome in the truest sense of the word.  

It was like seeing a whale surface.  It was like seeing the Aurora Borealis.  

It was smooth like an Asian’s forearm and non-porous as if it was made of blown glass.

There was not a single shadow on it as if his dick was it’s own light source and no matter which direction he moved his dick always seemed to point west.  

His is the dick of a man.  Mine looks like the gnarled finger of gypsy fortune teller.  

Tell your son you miss him on the 10.1 Inch Widescreen HD display and not to let the black man in Capri pants make him forget about his father the way his mother has forgotten about her husband.  Daddy will be home soon, David.

I love you, David.

Daddy loves you.

Daddy loves you.

Daddy loves you.

- Dan Dringle

Why do blind musicians always have to wave their head around all the time?
What does blindness have to do with your neck muscles? God, I hate them.

Thanks, Patricia Yu

Dear Patricia,
You’re racist. Can I take you out for dinner some time?  I get 1/2 priced appetizers at most Chili’s due to my long standing AAA membership.

Dan “can I get some extra Chipotle Mayo with those Southwest Eggrolls, please?” Dringle